They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS