My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS






