“There’s a very apt saying in show business: “If you don’t go over budget in Paris, you’re either very rich or very sick. “”

I like to play in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells ‘Fore!’ the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

It’s very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he’s now my golf bag.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I’ve never heard of a clean one.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

It’s so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

I’ve been married fifty-five years and I’ve been home three weeks.

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts… Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they’re for.

It’s weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I’m expected to be humorous on talk shows.

I like the word “indolence.” It makes my laziness seem classy.

Young singers ask me, “Do I have to live in New York?” I say, “You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.”

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.