“There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.”

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

People from the rock and roll world have felt for years that electronic music had no soul, but now electronic music can not only have soul but have all the shapes in the world.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

I was like, boy, I feel so good when I run, if everybody could feel like this, this sense of joy and physical well-being and strength and autonomy you have when you run, how much better the world would be, you know?

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts… Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they’re for.

It’s weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I’m expected to be humorous on talk shows.

I like the word “indolence.” It makes my laziness seem classy.

Young singers ask me, “Do I have to live in New York?” I say, “You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.”

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.

The first word you see at the airport is ‘terminal’.