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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

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Father Help Leave Not True

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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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