You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
ALAN KINGYou want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
More Alan King Quotes
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
ALAN KING