My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
ALAN KING -
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KING -
Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KING -
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
ALAN KING -
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KING -
There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
ALAN KING -
I was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KING -
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
ALAN KING -
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
ALAN KING -
As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
ALAN KING






