A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
ALAN KING