One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGI was a high school throw-out.
More Alan King Quotes
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
ALAN KING -
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
ALAN KING -
The other day my house caught fire.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KING -
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KING -
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
ALAN KING -
I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
ALAN KING -
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
ALAN KING -
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
ALAN KING -
We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
ALAN KING -
One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KING -
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
ALAN KING