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I was a high school throw-out.

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High Out School Throw

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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Ability Audience Comedy Identity never Say Son Story Tell
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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Amazing Away Call Comedy Get Hard Laugh Once Turn
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Humor Jew Joke Objectivity Only Refer Speak Stage Unfunny
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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Give Interview Know Poor Start Until
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Confidence First Freedom Gave Lot People Program Sullivan Television
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Bigotry Father First Oppression Read Talk Think Time
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Brother College Cut Him Member Nail Physician Surgeon Youngest
Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Back Ball Been Fifty Laugh Listen Love People Theatre Villian Year
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Country Dinner Life One Restaurant Thing Whole
I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Bad Good Joy Over Place Review Scream Unhappy
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Comedy Create Nothing Reflection
I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Being Bird Come Early Gonna Mind Sixty-five Special Tell
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year

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