As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
ADAM CAROLLAIf you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera – sort of low-key. I don’t like being on camera stuff that much.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.
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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.
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That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
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I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
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The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
ADAM CAROLLA