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I’m a comedian, not a politician.

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Comedian Comedy Feeling Irony Joke Laugh Life Politician

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I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
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My motto is “more mystery, less history”.
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Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
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