“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You can’t cheat an honest man.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

A squirrel attacked me. I got attacked by a squirrel in Battersea Park. They’re dangerous. It’s rare. I’ve torn most of the ligaments in my knee. So no football for me. It’s early retirement now. I’ve got a floating knee-cap!

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

I actually think the subject of young divorce is pretty funny; I’d like to write a movie about it.

Time is a funny thing- Flies fast, though constant it slows near large objects, black holes, and you.

The excuse of having a dog is great, because before I had a dog, I wouldn’t be like, ‘I need to go hike for two hours’; my girlfriend would have been like, ‘What are you doing?’ Now I take the dog, and she comes with me.

Katy Perry still gets me every time. She’s very funny in person! We met at the Teen Choice Awards and she pulled my cheeks apart and told me how cute I was. My life was literally flashing before my eyes!