Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I never eat before breakfast.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS