“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

You’re definitely the queen of somebody’s castle.

There is no point in uprooting yourself to prove to others you can bloom.

I’m a prisoner with no charge a sack of bones in varnished flesh walking around hoping somebody will root me.

We’re all gems, some have yet to shine.

I am done apologizing for things I have no need to be sorry for.

You will always be worth saving.

I will never again give someone half of me when they weren’t even worthy of a piece.

Just because you haven’t seen how wonderful, beautiful, and special she is, doesn’t mean no one else will.