When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDSThe nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS