“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Success in life is the result of good judgment. Good judgment is usually the result of experience. Experience is usually the result of bad judgment.

Dress gives one the outward sign from which people in general can, and often do, judge upon the inward state of mind and feelings.

Insult me all you want. Judge me as much as you want. Say what you think, everything you want. But one thing. Dont touch my fans.

A coward judges all he sees by what he is.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Almost all enduring success comes to people after they are forty. For seldom does mature judgment arrive before then.

Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.

Don’t judge a man by where he is, because you don’t know how far he has come.