“I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I don’t think anyone can give you advice when you’ve got a broken heart.

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.

When you advise any person you should be guided by the fear of God.

He who is not impressed by sound advice, lacks faith.

The cutting of the gem has to be finished before you can see whether it shines.

Trust no one unless you have eaten much salt with him.

My advice is to never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time.

A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation.