“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

Friend, have the courage To care little for wealth, and shape yourself, You too, to merit godhead

Those who care for the little ones are on God’s side and defeat the culture of waste.

God will take care of what you go through. You take care of how you go through it.

The God of all consolation, who heals the broken hearts and takes care of the wounds, hear our prayer:

Love, what is love? I don’t think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring, sharing joys and sorrows.

Opinions are like orgasms, mine matters most and I really don’t care if you have one.

As an entrepreneur, I choose my teachers carefully, very carefully. I am extremely cautious of the people with whom I spend my time and to whom I listen.

People don’t care about what someone says about you in a movie or even what you say, right? They care about what you build.