I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDSIf it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS -
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS






