“I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

God is for men, and religion for women.

Young people all over the world are very frustrated. They are very disillusioned. Many of them are turning their back on religion. They are walking away from the faith of their parents, and most of this is because religion has failed them.

Politics is not religion and we should govern on the basis of evidence, not theology.

Poetry is a religion with no hope.

If revealed religions have revealed anything it is that they are usually wrong.

Respect for religion’ has become a code phrase meaning ‘fear of religion.’ Religions, like all other ideas, deserve criticism, satire, and, yes, our fearless disrespect.

Physicians ought not to give their judgment of religion, for the same reason that butchers are not admitted to be jurors upon life and death.

My father believes that Western religions are death cults, which I agree with.