I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDSDrat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS