“The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.”

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

The ordinary literary man, even though he be an eminent historian, is ill-fitted to be a mentor in affairs of government. For… things are for the most part very simple in books, and in practical life very complex.

The man who reads everything is like the man who eats everything: he can digest nothing, and the penalty of crowding one’s mind with other men’s thoughts is to have no thoughts of one’s own.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

It was fun to talk too much as Jebediah Woodley, to keep running your mouth whether the other characters want to hear it or not. That’s part of what made this guy fun.

The laboring man and the trade-unionist, if I understand him, asks only equality before the law. Class legislation and unequal privilege, though expressly in his favor, will in the end work no benefit to him or to society.

I felt a tremendous sadness for men who can’t deal with a woman of their own age.

If a man had nothing that was worth dying for, then he was not fit to live.