“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, in every war they kill you in a new way.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Work to make a living; serve to make a life.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.

We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

There was always another side to a joke, the side of the victim.

Many a truth is told in jest.

Do not mock a pain you have not endured.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

But I can tell you markets are like women, always commanding, always mysterious, always volatile, always exciting and it is not a joke.

I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don’t think they’re funny and the non-lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.

Many a true word is spoken in jest.

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.