“Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.”

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

If you look at it, the corset is a very beautiful item, but when I put one on, I realized how little you could actually move.

But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

That’s the thing with handmade items. They still have the person’s mark on them, and when you hold them, you feel less alone.

I peeled the skin off a grape in slippery little triangles, and I understood then that I would be undressing every item of food I could because my clothes would be staying on.

Hope is an expensive commodity. It makes better sense to be prepared.

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.