“I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

At all times sincere friends of freedom have been rare, and its triumphs have been due to minorities.

To pull a friend out of the mire, don’t hesitate to get dirty.

While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.

I don’t believe in things like that – fairies or brownies or magic or anything. It’s old-fashioned.’ ‘

You can’t live the Christian life without a band of Christian friends, without a family of believers in which you find a place.

At all times sincere friends of freedom have been rare, and its triumphs have been due to minorities, that have prevailed by associating themselves with auxiliaries whose objects often differed from their own; and this association, which is always dangerous, has sometimes been disastrous.

How sweet, how passing sweet, is solitude! But grant me still a friend in my retreat, whom I may whisper, solitude is sweet.

In private conversation between intimate friends, the wisest men very often talk like the weakest : for indeed the talking with a friend is nothing else but thinking aloud.