Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER






