If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER