What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER