“The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.”

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Bill Maher fancies himself the reincarnation of Lenny Bruce.

I don’t believe in reincarnation at all, but if all that stuff is true, then he might have been on his last time around.

I am the reincarnation of Pikachu. That’s why my hair is yellow, you see.