I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER