Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER