My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER