Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER