The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER