I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER