If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER