In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER






