My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER






