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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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self-pity is better than none.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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