Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER