Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER