“You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

self-pity is better than none.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Don’t be cocky. Don’t be flashy. There’s always someone better than you.

Holiness is a disposition of the heart that makes us humble and little in the arms of God, aware of our weakness, and confident – in the most audacious way – in His Fatherly goodness.

God exalts the man who humbles himself.

It’s humbling to think that all animals, including human beings, are parasites of the plant world.

Many a humble soul will be amazed to find that the seed it sowed in weakness, in the dust of daily life, has blossomed into immortal flowers under the eye of the Lord.

Humble because of knowledge; mighty by sacrifice.

The humblest tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.

Any work that aspires, however humbly, to the condition of art should carry its justification in every line.