I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERA passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER