Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER