“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

I think,” Tehanu said in her soft, strange voice, “that when I die, I can breathe back the breath that made me live.

Because even if the whole world was throwing rocks at you, if you still had your mother or father at your back, you’d be okay.

Once you have seen the larger pattern, you cannot go back to seeing the part as the whole.

I don’t think any rapper can go back. You can be a car salesman, a bank teller – I mean, really good jobs, and people are still gonna look at you and be like, ‘You used to rap; what happened?’

If we act the truth the people who really love us are sure to come back to us in the long run

If we are all made of God, it is our friends who remind us. We pass the gift of God to them. They pass it back to us when we need it most.

If somebody says no to you, or if you get cut, Michael Jordan was cut his first year, but he came back and he was the best ever. That is what you have to have.

I can give back to the world all that I didn’t do. All that I might have been and couldn’t be. All the choices I didn’t make. All the things I lost and spent and wasted. I can give them back to the world.