My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER