Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER