Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER