Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER






