“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Let the dead bury the dead, but while I’m alive, I must live and be happy.

You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. Language buries, but does not resurrect.

You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. Language buries, but does not resurrect.

I am bleak heroism of words that refuse to be buried alive with the liars.

Kill them with success and bury them with a smile.

I want to write, but more than that, I want to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my heart.

Sometimes I’m so deeply buried under self-reproaches that I long for a word of comfort to help me dig myself out again.

Help young people. Help small guys. Because small guys will be big. Young people will have the seeds you bury in their minds, and when they grow up, they will change the world.