Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






