My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER