If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER