If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER