“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.”

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.

No. It’s simply a thorn. It doesn’t give suffering to anybody. If we step on it, we suffer immediately.

Whatever you do, be happy with you. Don’t conform. You are who you are, and you shouldn’t change that for anybody.

The best advice anybody could have given me was to keep getting up over and over again.

Ordinary people should have the same ability to understand art as anybody else. I don’t think art is elite or mysterious. I don’t think anybody can separate art from politics.

The perspective of Love doesn’t leave anybody out. Until your vision and compassion is big enough to include those who oppose you, you are simply contributing to the continuation of destructiveness . The end of separation is the salvation for all.

My definition of art has always been the same. It is about freedom of expression. I don’t think anybody can separate art from politics. The intention to separate [the two] is itself a very political intention.

Art should live in the heart of the people. Ordinary people should have the same ability to understand art as anybody else. I don’t think art is elite or mysterious.

Gratitude is the appreciation of what is, of life, of existence, of anybody and anything, for just the way it is.