Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER