To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER