Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER