If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER