We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER