My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER






