We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER






