When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER