Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER