Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER