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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Again Happen Last Night Nothing Terrible Thing

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