Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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