You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER






