If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER