I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER