When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER