Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER