My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER