We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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