Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER