I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER






