Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER