My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER