I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER






