The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER






