The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER