Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER