Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER