My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER