I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER