You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER






