What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER