A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER