I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER