“One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I think everyone should experience defeat at least once during their career. You learn a lot from it.

The big problems are where people don’t realise they have one in the first place.

Staging Formula One is incredibly expensive.

Every actor has three versions of each scene – the one that you rehearse the night before, in your bedroom.

If somebody dumps something noxious in my back yard, the dumper is the last one I would call on to repair the damage.

Can the U.S. support two Formula 1 races? I think so.

When you have seen one ant, one bird, one tree, you have not seen them all.

No one knows the cost of a defective product – don’t tell me you do.