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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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