Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD