“If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.

It could never happen for anyone they way it happened for me. It was all an accident.

Carl Yastrzemski was the best all-around player. He could run, throw and hit. He had the ability to play a number of different positions.

creates jobs all over the world, and makes life easier for millions of Americans.

Young Baby Boomers were forced to play duck-and-cover in school, in hopes that a desk would protect them from an atomic explosion. It was all bullshit, and they knew it.

That went for the writers, too; they all had their own political leanings, and everybody had a voice. But the voices were mostly critical. It was social commentary, after all.

We made sure that we didn’t talk about India versus Pakistan but about the emotions of people on both sides and how terrorism affects us all.

I definitely believe that love conquers all, yes.