My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






