I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD