We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD