I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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