I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD