When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD