I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






