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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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