It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD