I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
ALAN KINGWe get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
More Alan King Quotes
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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The other day my house caught fire.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
ALAN KING