The other day my house caught fire.
ALAN KINGWe get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
More Alan King Quotes
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
ALAN KING