My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KINGMy lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
More Alan King Quotes
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
ALAN KING