My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KINGYou do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
More Alan King Quotes
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KING






