My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
ALAN KINGMy son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
More Alan King Quotes
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
ALAN KING -
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KING -
One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KING -
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
ALAN KING -
Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
ALAN KING -
I was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KING -
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
ALAN KING -
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
ALAN KING